Disciplining Kids. It is all about the calmness
Welcome to Mom-Monday.
Any mom knows that disciplining kids can be hard.
I’ll never forget when my daughter, about two-and-a-half at the time, had a full-blown temper tantrum in Target. Up to that point, I thought my husband and I were doing a pretty good job with discipline. I’m embarrassed to admit I never thought my child would prostrate herself on the floor in the middle of a store, kicking and screaming.
Boy, was I humbled.
Several temper tantrums and another child later, I’ve learned a couple of things about discipline. And as more time passes, the more I seem to figure it out–what works with my kids, how to be more consistent, and how to be more effective.
But.
If you’re like me, you still go through what I call “discipline phases.”
Even though I know discipline is important, and I try to be as consistent as possible, sometimes I…
forget.
Sometimes, especially when I’m busy or rushed, or when I’m around a bunch of people, instead of correcting my kids the first time, I find myself saying things like, “if you do that again, you’re going to get a consequence” or, “one more chance and that’s it.”
And then the next thing I know, I get into a pattern and I find myself saying these things more and more.
And my kids start to listen less and less.
And why shouldn’t they?
If I’m always warning them and not actually correcting them, then I’m setting that standard. I’m teaching them exactly what they can get away with.
And that’s when things start to get frustrating.
And I feel like I’m always nagging.
And being a mom suddenly becomes not-as-much-fun.
Then.
Finally.
I snap to my senses and realize what’s going on.
And that’s when I move into another phase I call the mommy-crack-down, where I talk less and follow-through more. Where I set clearer expectations and become really consistent. And everybody doesn’t get fifty warnings before they get a consequence.
My kids love it.
And that’s the phase I’ve been in the last couple of days.
Because lately, with them being out of school, and with me being home so much because of my arm and knee, it seems like there’s been a whole lot of general wildness going on around here.
The other day, when I told my son no about something and he stomped away, it was a perfect opportunity to recalibrate. Instead of more warnings and discussion, he got priviliges taken away. And it was amazing how quickly his attitude changed.
Later, I hugged him and thanked him for making such an improvement. “I guess getting in trouble once in a while really works,” I teased.
And that’s when he turned to me, very serious, and said:
“No, Mom. It wasn’t the getting in trouble that did it. It’s the new pet fish I got. He gives me total calmness.”
So there you go.
If you’re struggling with discipline, or your kids are acting up, just get them a fish.
A beta fish, to be exact.
The kind that I just found out can live up to eight years, instead of three (that’s a whole other story).
You’ll be amazed at the calmness you’ll see. :)
(Eight YEARS?!? We were lucky if ours made it eight MONTHS. We were terrible fish owners!)I think we're heading towards a similar crackdown here. I'm trying to walk the line between a bit more leniency since it's summertime and not letting things slide completely, but I think the balance has been tipping the wrong way lately. Time to recalibrate.
LOL You're completely right! I try hard to be a good, consistent disciplinarian but sometimes I forget too. My four year old will tell me, "MOm, did you forget to spank me?"Yes, I did. LOL!I did start to get into the warning thing but now I'm trying to stop. Though I still count to three, 'course my kiddos are younger. Once they're older there won't be counting. :-) I like the whole taking privileges away. Works very well. Heehee.
I think I am more stern then I should be. I find myself, at the end of the day, feeling guilty for not laughing more with my kids. I want them to have manners, be polite, be respectful, thoughtful of others, have compassion, be unselfish…But they are 4 and 2 and 6 mo. Asking for my 4 year old to act with respect is not easy!! And often a losing battle. Right now I am looking for a good balance between being consistent with my rules and laughing whenever possible. I want them to be quick to laugh…Great thoughts today Genny!!God bless-manda
As a woman who has been a mom for 24 years-excuse me- 24 1/2 years, I've likely been on every band wagon of discipline trends; we've spanked; we've timed out; we've yelled; we've taken away; and you know what, they've all work when my husband and I are in agreement.Agreement…hmmmm, that's the hard one. Just when I think I'm doing the right thing-at the right time- there he goes and ruins it all! The toy that wasn't going to happen suddenly appears in my living room after a sneaky trip to walmart. Oh so mad mommy…So, my little piece of advice is to be in agreement with your spouse; be consistent with all of the children; and have consequences for rogue dads who don't want to get with the program.
Robin – Believe me, we've had our share of fish over the years too!Jessica – Your four year old reminding you…SO cute.Amanda and Kellie – I love the reminder about balance, and to agree with your spouse. Great points!
We too have been through almost every manner of discipline. I'm entering the pre-teen age now with one child and whew… the arguing that can occur. Not yelling mind you.. .but general attorney-like arguing a point. I'm working through that now as well as back in the toddler stages. It makes a girl's head spin!I agree with whoever posted about laughing and having fun with your kids… I need to do that more often.. I get too wrapped up in all we have to accomplish, homeschool, chores, house, activities etc etc etc. That is my goal for the upcoming year… fun memory making times!Great thought provoking post Genny! Jackiewww.swimmingwithfishes.blogspot.com
We have a beta fish too- ours only made it 6 months, but we swapped them out and the children were none the wiser…
It's all about the expectations. It took me so long to learn that, too! Even though mine are mostly grown, they're still looking for me to set an example…
Jackie–fun memory making…I want to focus more on that too!And Janna Bee–my son spent at least twenty minutes picking his beta fish out (poor guy at the pet store who was helping him), so I'm not so sure I could get away with the swap thing! lolMelissa–as my kids get older, I definitely feel more aware of setting an example, not necessarily by what I say, but more and more by what I do.
I used to have a beta fish, too…until my husband was cleaning the water and "Nemo" accidently fell-enough so that he only made it through a day later. My son thinks he had to go back to the pond! As far as discipline, sometimes I think I am too structured. I was a teacher for ten years before I made the decision to SAH, and sometimes I feel like I'm still in the classroom…we have to find a balance and do what is most comfortable for us, right? I just found your blog-it's great!
Disciplining my son is probably the best and worst part of being a mom. The worst for obvious reasons: it's always challenging, and because I/we go through phases just like you, I feel like my disciplinarian "repertoire" is constantly evolving. I homeschool my only child, so for the most part, we are together ALL the time, which makes having patience even more difficult at times. But disciplining is also the best part because I feel like I have a wonderful opportunity to shape him into a great human being, and to hopefully not make the same mistakes as my parents. One thing I always try to remember is that my son is in fact a child, and it's normal for him to push his boundaries, and to challenge the world around him. It's all about balance, I think. Thanks for sharing all your insight! It was nice meeting you via SITS!
I just posted a few days ago on my blog about discipline being my least favorite part of being a mom! I try to come up with clever ways to discipline my 3 and a half year old, but in the end consistency is the key! Stopping by from SITS! Hope you have a great Monday!
I realized today, when I heard my older daughter scold my younger daughter in imitation of me, that I have been a bit harsh with my children lately. I do my best to discipline them calmly, and now I'm also realizing that I need to be mindful of my tone as well! :)
It sounds like I'm exactly the same kind as you are. I get too tired/busy/distracted to enforce things every time, but I do hate being the broken threat-record too. And yes, having them home this summer has caused me to step it up in the follow-through department. Mostly, I want to try to keep them occupied enough that they don't think to do the stuff they aren't supposed to. Yeah, that's working out well! (NOT!)
I can totally relate to everything you said as I too sometimes have my soft moments in the discipline department.What I hate the most that I sometimes do is when I have a snap reaction and say "no" to something before thinking about it. Then I want to change my no to a yes. It always makes them happy when that happens, but it also leads to begging because they think that you might change your mind. Grrr!
Delighted to meet you and splash around a bit. We too have a beta, my 4 year old takes such good care of it and he will just sit and watch him. Thank you dear one for this kind, yet poignant reminder to be consistent as I sharpen my little arrows to impact their generation for Christ.Hugs from this missionary mommy,Sarah dawn
I get calmer as they get older.I think the most important/obvious/difficult point would be to FOLLOW THROUGH. If I say I'm taking a privilege away, I'd better not back down, or I'm toast.
Thanks for all the great comments everyone. Refresh Mom, I laughed at what you said about trying to keep them busy…not. And, Michelle, "Grrr" pretty much describes how my night has been. Ironic that I wrote this post today. Mommy crack-down can be tough.But I love what Multiple Personalities said about discipline being a wonderful opportunity to shape our kids. I agree and I want to keep that in mind, especially right now. That and consistency because, like thatgirlblogs said, I don't want to be toast! :)
Are you serious? All I need to do is get a Beta fish and my kids will respond calmly to me???See ya! I'm on my way to the store!*grin*
First, thanks for entering my giveaway!Yes, I fluctuate. The thing is I try to be so patient and calm and it seems when I'm in that mode I overlook things. The problem is that the more I overlook the more I have to overlook. But my DH seems to like it. He tells me he doesnt but I really believe he does.I get tired of nagging kids and reminding kids and getting on to them for doing the same thing 25 times in a row. You know? I'm done ranting. LOL Sorry.
I just went through a phase of lacking my rules and discipline because of being home recovering which has then lead to a naggingphase because we needed to get back into routine. Yesterday hubby and I chatted and then sat down with Noodle and discussed his sassy mouth and that there were going to be consequences and no more warnings. This morning things were a lot better when I said it was time to leave he was outside putting on his shoes before me… *sigh* it so works when I work it!!Thanks again for stopping by to tell me about Hearts at Home website!!
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We are recovering from fish problems now. We had 5 die in 1 week. Things have stabalized, I think, but now I'm a wreck when I look in the fish bowl, hoping to see swimming and not floating. Certainly not calming! As far as discipline, I am trying hard to be consistent. It is easy to be lenient when I'm happy and snippy when I'm frazzled, but I am aiming to be loving and consistent regardless of my mood. God calls us to have self-control and it certainly applies to my actions toward my children, too.
I'm just getting into this "discipline thing" since my girls are 2.5yr and 3m. I learn a lot from other parents, watching how they discipline and then discussing the "pros" and "cons" of the methods used with my husband.I also have been trying to read a variety of parenting books for ideas. I recently read "Shepherding a Child's Heart" and "Don't Make Me Count the Three" (I didn't like either overall, but I'll share my thoughts on that in an upcoming post…). Right now, I'm reading "Parenting With Love & Logic" and I like it so far. What are you favorite parenting books?
Kristin–thanks for the reminder to be loving and consistent regardless of our moods. And Stephanie, I like how you said you and your husband observe others and talk about the pros/cons. I've learned a ton from other moms. How great that we aren't in this alone! Some good parenting books I've read?…When we first had our kids, my husband and I took a parenting class and read Growing Kids God's Way. We learned a lot. Bringing up Boys gave me some great insights about raising a son, and so did Wild at Heart.
The beta fish comment made me laugh…maybe that's what my boy needs…I nice calming fish…
Oops…I didn't get the title thing right in my link. I came back to add a link to another slant on the topic–when someone else tells you when and how to discipline your child. I had a surprising encounter at the play area yesterday; I'm not sure I handled it in the best way, but it was the best I could do at the moment!